How to ruin your life.

Go Kill Yourself.

Seriously.   It is that easy to ruin your life.   If you want to change and ruin your life, just end it.

I did that.  I ruined my life.  I killed myself.  Not in a physical sense, but I still ended the life that I had.  I killed my old life. Thankfully and by the grace of God, I am still alive, but I killed the life that I had.

Now, I am not saying to go kill yourself.  I don’t recommend this.  Life is precious.  I know that now. I learned the hard way the fact that life is precious.

I effectively ended my life that I had spent 28 years building up in one fell swoop.  I walked into my manager’s office on January 7, 2013 and resigned.  I said I would work out the standard two weeks if needed, which was accepted.  I was working at a computer networking startup in San Francisco, CA.  I was paid fairly well for the region.  I owned my own condo (or the bank did, I just made payments), but hell I was 28 and had my own place that I could afford.  I lived less than a mile from work. I walked to work. No commute.  We had free food at work.  Lunch, drinks even a beer keg on our floor.  Roof deck.  Fun culture.  Great benefits.  It really was actually pretty sweet.  Yet I was unhappy and I gave it all away.  Like a selfish kid I effectively threw a tantrum.  Granted I am still alive.  However almost two years later I am still picking up the pieces from my decision to storm off.

Impulsive decisions left me in a financial situation where I had to take a job that pays and is at the level that I was working at 5 years ago.  One quick decision set me back five years.

Essentially it was quite childish.  Like a 5 year old pouting because he wants to go outside and play but can’t because it is raining.  Well tough luck, some stuff is out of your control.

Was it selfish to quit?  Yes.

Was it attention Seeking.   Yes.

Was it self sabotage?  Yes.

Was it impulsive.  Yes.

Did it do any good.  No.

Not one person cared.    Looking back, I think I wanted someone to live my life for me.  Well, guess what, that is not going to happen.  You have to live your own life.

Life is difficult.  You have to take care of yourself.  Your mental health is key.  I am now seeing a therapist to go over some issues.  I am trying to take the steps necessary to take control and ownership of my life, because at heart that is what really it is all about.  It is your life.  And you have to live it.  With the highs and the lows.

I have experienced great highs in life.  I really have.   I just got stuck in a negative spiral and negative feedback loop.  Positivity is needed.  That is what we live for.  It is very hard to do, but I need to be grateful for the things that I have in my life.

If you are suffering, you are not alone.  I suffer every single day.  Ask for help.  I know I need it and struggle. I need help.


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