Blessings dearest friends. Welcome to Brunch. Today’s reading is from Huffington Post. Page 12 Post 17.3. So let us open our iPads and iPhones and follow with me.
But first let us give hate. To the ones opposed to our cause may they be banned from twitter so that they cannot communicate and spread their demonic message of love, acceptance and tolerance. May they be cursed to eat partially hydrogenated trans oils for the rest of their being.
Now for those that this is their first session of Brunch, let me cover the ground rules. Obviously Brunch is a holy day and you are expected to fulfill your weekly commitment. Unless of course you have a Tough Mudder, color run, generic physical deformity awareness walk/run/meandering, protest or vegan Greenpeace NPR fundraising telethon to attend. Then after that obviously brunch comes first.
Ideally you will have brought your own utensils and compostable dish ware to this Brunch, but for those that that did not we have some for a nominal fee. The fee of course benefits the terapass carbon offset fund.
Please use the blue recycling bins and the green composting bins to dispose of your left over brunch. The Landfill bin is never to be used by member of the Brunch community. It is only there to shame the heathens and proles so that we may know the heathens by their acts of disrespect for the blue and green colors.
To the newcomers, please come talk to us after for we have a welcome gift of a BPA free Camelbak water bottle so that you may never use the cancer producing Nalgene bottles again.
We also have a great event at the end of next week for those interested in becoming f more invloved in this Brunch Fellowship. We will be shaming the community at a picketing of the new Daly City Sprouts Grocercy Store. Sprouts is an evil corporation that still uses plastic bags at many locations. Shameful. Do not worry though as we are not actually going to go anywhere but are asking everyone to support our twitter and Facebook campaign. You will not actually have to speak with someone in person to express your rage and hate for yourself and the world. Your precious Ego remaining in tack from behind your new iMac.
Your Comrades will now pass the collection baskets for this weeks offering to be donated to the carbon offset fund. Please keep in mind that oil prices are dropping. This is detrimental to our cause as you may now be inclined to drive your own car. Please do not do this. We want to continue to stress the importance of relying upon your employer provided shuttle or Bart so that you may get to work during the week. Also, we do not want any members having to rely upon the inefficient public bus system, Muni. Lyft but not Uber is an acceptable alternative after today’s mimosa infused session so that you may return safely home in time for football.
As we close this weeks session of Brunch, let us remember to inflict self hate internally and guilt externally amongst the community during the upcoming week. We are insatiable and must have everyone else reminded of their poor self worth.
In closing, let us be reminded of our oath: One Nation, Under Prius.
In our savior’s name, Elon Musk, we trust. Amen, ergh. I mean. Waste Zero.